I had this conversation with my friend last year. Well, we were talking about a lot of things that I wish I could recall all of them because I really enjoyed being with him a lot. However, one topic, in particular, stood out to me more than others which I still remember to these days.
It is about amnesia. He makes videos on Youtube and I asked him why he started. His answer was simple. He loves videography, film, photography, and things he can always look back onto. (He wants to be different; I can’t relate to that part.) A video is like his diary. It’s like an animation of what he was doing on a certain day. Then, I brought up that it is amazing as if he were to lose his memory, someone can show him his documentary of himself in a video form. It is more than enough of a proof of who he is.
He told me I should make videos, too, so if I ever have amnesia, somebody will show me my videos to me as well. Hahaha, funny xxxxx! Now that I think about it, maybe you should be the one to show me my videos. Pretty sure, I will regain my memory faster if you are the one to make me watching myself being awkward.
Throughout my entire life, I often think to myself; What would happen if I lost my memory at some point? How would I feel? Would I want to get my memory back? Would I be happier if I forgot about something in life? Or maybe all of them and start fresh? I had billions of embarrassing events happened to myself so far up until this 18th mark in life. Time to time, I got flashbacks of stupid choices I made, words I said, cringy moments with my crush or ex-crush to be specific. I wanted to go back in time and slapped myself so hard for acting like a fool. Maybe that’s why I get colder and more distance every day. To avoid more shameful scenarios that keep me awake at night reliving those kinds of moments.
At the same time, I found out recently that my toxic trait is living in the past. I always tell you guys to enjoy the present and be positive. On the contrary, I am ashamed to admit I did not live up to my own advice really well. Bounded by the painful past, I shut down all the way entirely. It is difficult for me to open up and be vulnerable. Whenever things do not work out, in my head, it is screaming I am not made for anybody. “Maybe I will never find someone better to accept me for who I am.” Despite the betrayal, it is an undeniable fact for once I could be so raw and transparent without being judged. Until you, my “friend”. Well, I know to him I am his friend, but it was so easy to be around him that I liked him a little. Nevertheless, time and distance are not forgiving.
“Right person, wrong time, honey.”
It is nice to take pictures to remember the moment. Although, when you are unhappy, you hate every single recalls to bits. What is the meaning of life then? And, if you are content with your life, I am glad for you. It is rare to see real happiness in these days and age. You are doing it right.