I know this blog post is a bit late to go down the memory lane and contemplate on what has been going on so far in my life, but I just feel the need to jot it down somewhere.
Let’s rewind to the beginning of the year. I guess I was still depressed then. Therefore, when I finally got a wakeup call and decided to get up to change my life, the year was all about changes and challenges. I got so sick of mopping around in negativity. I was extremely tired of myself and my life so “revolution” would be how I describe my 2018 in one word. Then, I started this blog. But not really. I created Tumblr and wordpress.org before this one. Those didn’t turn out that well. I was unhappy with my work, so I scrunched them all up. Tumblr is still a part of me whenever I feel like reflecting on my dark thoughts.
When things calmed down a bit, I think that was when I officially wrote something on this blog for the very first time; A positive mindset is one thing I have clang on to my dear life. It was all I strived for last year and maybe this year as well.
It did work from time to time, but it also felt like it wasn’t. Occasionally, I felt like it was all just an illusion of me trying to stay alive. There was nothing for me to grab onto. It seems like there is no reason for anything at all. All these horrific thoughts came crawling whenever I am in transportation all by myself.
There are times I was enjoying the landscape of this beautiful city. There are times I was losing in my own thoughts. (Not fun.) Then, there are times when both happened simultaneously.
Anyway, the first half of 2018 was blurry. I assumed it was just a period of me working my butt off to achieve one of the goals I hopped onto because it was so difficult for me to breathe. I wanted an escape so badly and when it came true, I was a little taken back of reality. It happened. Believe it or not, I actually wanted to give up multiple times for some personal reasons. It was my mother who pushed me forward at the time. Thus, I am grateful to her for doing so.
The funny thing is that the escape was to find me again. Who I really am. To understand me better. Yet, those things did not seem to spring into anything at all. I am confused about who I am more than ever before. I discovered a part of me that I did not know was possible to come back. The social me. Although not the most social person out there, definitely more confident than who she was these past years.
Guess what? At the moment, I am lost for words. I am feeling so much that I am unable to put all these emotions and thoughts into words at all. What am I supposed to do from here on out then? Let me tell you something. The moment I took my first step forward, I have already changed completely into another person whom I feel like I do not know her one bit. She is an entirely two different people when she is surrounded by others and when she is on her own. She talks and laughs. She smiles beautifully. However, when she is alone, the light switched off. Her thoughts are murdering her alive.
Nevertheless, 2018 was the year I had grown the most. Maybe I will try my best to live better this year. To be a bit happier and I wish I could open up and be accepted for who I am as I cannot change who I truly am inside. You gained something and you lost other things. That is life. You can’t have everything.
Here is something you need to know though. You can’t be accepted if you don’t even know yourself. It is crucial that you know who you are because that person is you, correct? In the previous year, I received some comments that I could never forget. Those are:
- She’s different. While some of the others are goofing around, she’s the goody-two-shoes. She works really hard.
- You are the most passionate girl I’ve ever known.
- You’re so young and you are already doing so much. Thinking about the future and taking actions. You inspire me and I’m not joking.
- You are very charismatic. This is the first time I’m talking with someone for this long. You have the ability to keep conversations going.
- You are very hardworking and I trust your abilities to keep trying. I think it’ll take you places.
- You are so brave, my dear. And, you are smart.
I like compliments. I feel validated. On the other hand, it pressures me. I feel like I’m not good enough. I am scared of not living up to those people’s expectations. I know my own worth and I am not that wonderful of a person. And, I have issues of my own that I need to work on. Mentally.
I don’t trust people.
To 2018 album, here are the recaps of me being a “normal” human that society preferred:
So, why are all these photos selected since there are more photos in 2018 that could be used as a recap of mine you may ask?
Well, I want to leave on a happy note. Still, some of the best moments aren’t captured on a camera. That’s true to me as well. I believe it is best that those scenes weren’t photographed because I will forget those memories and feelings quicker. There’s nothing to recall but just mere blurry images in the back of my head.
If you’re going to leave anyway, it’s better if you leave me now.
This quote rings a bell to me. They all left me in the end. That’s the reason why I had my eyes shut no matter how beautiful the place is for I do not want to get attached.
Thank you for all the lessons. You were such a dazzling year. A perfect combination of ups and downs.
Just another species on this planet Earth.