Inside a Mind of the One Who Has Been Let Down A Little Too Many Times

Maybe you are different or maybe you are just not what the world prefers. However, what is so odd about you that everyone leaves? You thought you are the same as everybody else. You once fitted in this enormous world. Although, that has changed quickly. One by one, they left you in a dark and cold empty room. It is a vicious cycle.

One day, you thought to yourself that, “Perhaps, it is karma. You reaped what you sowed.” Did you hurt anyone before? In your past life, probably? What did you do to deserve this punishment?

It all went downhill ever since then. Additionally, it seems that it may never get better anytime soon or will it ever be better though?

The beginning of it was brutal.

Your best friend turned around and stabbed you in the back. They spread rumors as well as lies about you. They manipulated all your other “friends” to turn on you. Nevertheless, were they even your friends, to begin with, if they only went along with everything others said about you? What is the definition of a friend anyway? None of them had your back or maybe one or two back then. Why did I use the phrase back then?

People changed just like seasons.

At least you survived and saw who was real and who was completely plastic.

Even if all of them broke your trust and destroyed your entire world, be grateful and thank them for demonstrating how cruel the world can be.

What is love?

It is a toxic feeling. Love is just used to pass time because human is a social creature. We desire the feeling of having another being to be with us like it is a drug with no rehab. We cannot survive without the satisfaction we receive whenever we talk to someone, touch them, and have a close status with them. It is pure lust.

We know what we got ourselves into. You know clearly that he is a modern day player. Switching between girls like he picked his outfit from days to days. Therefore, why did you play with fire? You did not understand at all. He was cute. He knew how to sweep you off your feet because that was the first time you took interest in someone. Growing up, correct? I will not blame you at all because you needed to go through heartbreak to evolve. It is a lesson in life that all of us will go through sooner or later. On the other hand, what was good about him? He did not hide the fact that he was just playing. He was better than the one who made you felt like you were the luckiest woman on earth. The one who lied to you and promised forever when he could not fight for you when things got rough. The one who learned every single little thing about you only to leave you emptier than fake friends or those playboys you dated in the past. The one who swore that he would give you the future you desired, but could not properly introduce you to his family. The guy who stole your heart to play games and shattered it to bits and pieces. Comforting your anxiety yet, in the end, made it worse. You knew you were not perfect at the time, but that does not mean he had to hide the fact that he found someone else while you learned how to trust him better. He knew clearly about your past and how you felt anxious because you got screwed up so bad before. He spat out that he was not like any other males. That is true. He was not lying. He is not the same as other boys; He is the worst of all. You dropped down to your knees because of someone like that. Your anxiety and panic attack are getting more horrible than ever. Your depression crept up again because of recurring betrayal from those you trusted and loved the most. What is it like when you have been let down a little too many times?

  • You questioned your own worth.
  • You questioned yourself why aren’t you good enough for anyone to stay?
  • You feared judgment because you came to the conclusion that everyone hates you.
  • You feel insecure.
  • You do not open up anymore as you are so frightened that they will only use your weakness against you.
  • You feel down for no reason at all sometimes.
  • You are exhausted always as your brain keeps functioning whenever you are awake with various scenarios and thoughts.
  • You shut down from the outside world.
  • You compare yourself to others since you are curious about how can they find their circles so easily.
  • You then ask yourself again, “What is so different about you that you can never fit in?”
  • You think you are a person who is difficult to love.
  • You assume that no one likes a broken girl like this.

Then, you decide to put on a fake smile and act like there is nothing wrong when there is a fierce battle going on inside your head. Lowkey wishing someone would understand but is still afraid that they will leave you at the end of the day.

There is a girl
In the front of my class
Who I swear I’ve never seen
Do anything but laugh

She’s tall and she’s smart
Beautiful and strong
And when someone’s down
She tries to fix what is wrong

[Chorus:]

How does someone so perfect
Feel so insecure?
As to scar her skin with cuts and burns
And still, want to hurt more…
” Dark Enough by Amanda Lopiccolo

I am not good with words. I hope I can describe the main things that happened. I tried my best to convey what it is like without making it all about myself. I do not want sympathy. The purpose of this blog post is because I want to type all these out. It is as simple as that. I feel like it. I want to write freely without the pressure of being judged by anyone. I refrained myself every time I thought of what content I want to put out there because I feared judgment. I feared that I shared too much. I just want privacy. I do not want to appear as self-center. I just want to be as helpful as I possibly can. For those in need.

I wish the world is kinder and more understanding. There is no reason to complicate things at all. If each individual tries to be more caring and loving, this planet will be warmer. Everyone deserves the same love they are giving out. We are a grown adult. We do not have time to play mind games. Just be straightforward from the beginning. Be clear about your intention with us. Do you realize that simply by being genuine, you can actually save a life? Here are some of the things that I think are crucial:

  1. Loyalty
  2. Caring
  3. Respect
  4. Love
  5. Understanding
  6. An opened mind

That is it. That is all I wish to see. You never know what anyone is going through, so why don’t you take that opportunity to brighten their day and make life a little bit better for them? I pray for those who are fighting an unspoken battle that you will get better. Things will get better for you and that you will find the happiness in life you fully deserve. Stay strong! Sending love to everyone.

I am not perfect nor I am anything good. I am just another human being. 🙂

Thank you for reading! ❤

xoxo

xx

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