Remember this time last year when everything was falling apart? You feel like the world had crumbled upon you and you no longer could think rationally because you had been pained so badly by the person you fully trusted and adored the most.
Well, look at you now. Living life, achieving more than you could ever imagine in the last few years. Despite the fact that there are more people leaving you, you are still alive on this planet with the biggest heart than most people on Earth. The painful memory of the past faded quicker than you anticipated and today you barely feel the broken piece or would no more. Lessons have been learned well. Time flies by rapidly and it is almost the end of 2018 already. Even though a lot of things seem blurry.
What just happened? Unfamiliar faces appeared and disappeared without a warning. The person you trusted backstabbed you. Your dear friends became stranger. You thought you finally made a connection, but it died down in just a week. All conversations are just pointless small talk to waste time. You no longer loved the things you once loved doing anymore. You picked up a new hobby only to discover later on that it’s not your favorite activity to do. You traveled miles away from your painful place, yet it was such a short thrill. You wanted to go back but to where? The old hometown that contains nothing but hurt feelings or the new place where you feel like you don’t belong that you have to put on a fake smile, laughter, mask of energetic energy?
From the view of outsiders, you are living the perfect life that the majority aspire to have thought you feel so empty inside. You blame yourself for having all these dramatic feeling because you feel like you are being ungrateful to the reward from God. You should have nothing to worry about as you have 3 meals a day, running clean water, branded clothes and cosmetics, money to spend when you feel like it and more. What is more, you could ask for? Whenever you fall behind just a bit, you are punching and cursing at yourself as a result of having a guilty feeling that you are wasting your family effort for putting you in a position you are at right now.
Therefore, tell me what are you feeling? Why are you feeling this? Are you still pained from the past? Are you traumatized by something? Are you truly content or it is your mask? Have you been lying and hypnotizing yourself so much that you no longer know who is the real you?
Who fucking hurt you so bad to the point you lost yourself?
Just like seasons, people changed. You have witnessed the beauty of Autumn, so learn from it. Occasionally, you have to let go of things that no longer serve you happiness. Move on and surround yourself with only those who bring you a peace of mind. If they want to cut the tie, you bring them the scissors and let them go. Friends for years or lover for years, those numbers are meaningless. Don’t try to force a connection if it’s not there. If you do not make a change yourself, just like the strong wind in Autumn, it will blow you in the direction you are supposed to go. Force is never easy nor pretty.
Thank you for staying alive despite how difficult of a choice it is to make.