Not every day is sunny. Literally and metaphorically. Just like yesterday and today, it has been raining nonstop and today seems to be heavier as well as colder. The wind is so strong that my light body is trying its best to stay grounded. Should we go along with the direction of the breeze or should we go against it? Who knows? Which is a better option in life?

I wish I knew better what to do with this given blessing to be alive.

Laughter is all around me, yet I couldn’t fit in. I can only hear the sound of the city outside the building along with the gloomy weather where the season has shifted from summer to autumn. The funny thing is that I have achieved a lot more than some other people out there. My hard work has been paying off one by one, but it is only draining my energy away. I am tired of working like a cow to reach those so-called goals that appear to be glory to the society. I am exhausted of fighting this battle alone with no place to shelter when life gets rough. Occasionally, I started questioning myself if what I am doing right now is right. Is this the right path? Waking up every day, putting on fake smile and laughter, always looking put together, being energetic and everything is depleting.

You thought you are making friends. You thought you have friends. At the end of the day, who can you tell the story to? Who is there to listen? Who is out there that understands you or at least try to?

This is getting depressing…

To feel excluded

To feel like you can never find your own circle

To feel like you are not normal

What is “normal” anyway?

Imagine you came out of your way, out of your comfort zone, to be a brand new version of yourself while still being yourself, and in the end?

You still failed tremendously hard. Slowly but surely, you are going back into your shell again because a connection is nowhere to be found. The dark cave is scary, but it is comforting as it is the only thing that is there for you when you are down. You cannot even shed a tear because there is no place to hide. Everybody is a liar to you. Or is it just you that is odd? A depressing oddball.

My online connection feeds me from time to time. Reading your comments fills me up as for once I am helpful to somebody. The time that I feel accepted is here on this platform.

Can you please tell me how you guys build a solid connection with others? Do you need confidence and trust? Are you going to just let go and hope that individual will catch you? I just don’t understand because everybody that entered leaves too quickly. Additionally, everything just seems fake to me.

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Talk to you next Monday and hopefully, I will feel better to share positive things.

Sorry!