I’m writing this ahead of time, so I can schedule this post on Monday next week at an exact 10:00 A.M. Not because I’m productive again, but in case my laptop decides to crash down again for I don’t know, forever. Just like how my life is right now.
It’s been months since the last wake up call, knowing how much of a toxic and narcisstic person I was or still am. I hate writing when I am down because there is a stigma in this world that showing your vulnerable side is considered weak and narcisstic. Yes, everybody is sad deep down and they all have their own problems. That is how I’m brought up in this world. It’s not okay to open up about what’s on your mind. Keep it all in your head becaue nobody actually cares about you. It’s crazy the fact I understand what it feels like to bottle everything up inside of you. How painful it is. How lonely it is. I want people I care about to be transparent with me, yet I also admire those who don’t share their stories. They are so strong to fight the battle inside their head alone. However, again, I want to do something for them. To be there for them.
Ever since I’ve grown up, I…have been always alone for as long as I could remember. I had this blurry memory of having girl friends whom used to hang out with me at my house. Then, I remember that one day they disappeared. I never saw them visiting me again and playing with me. Most of my childhood was just me playing by myself. The playing pretend game, the hopscotch, dolls, and many more that I don’t know their names. I have always been my own company and friend. It’s like me role playing the many characters. Best friends.
Later on, I don’t know how and when, I started making “friends”. I was no longer alone. Only until then that I never realized, it started becoming toxic. I trusted too many wrong people. I became so used to the attention and company. I never realized that I began fearing being all alone. I enjoyed being the “popular” girl way too much. I allowed poeple to validate me on how cute I was and that they like me. Those attention from the boys and everything, they filled me. I loved receiving compliments. It sounds stupid, right? Well, you still have to learn something the hard way occasionally in life. Trials and errors. The first pitfall I guess was when I started losing those friends. Those so-called girl best friends. The rejection I received one by one from my group of people. That’s when I rememberd saying, “F this, I can go alone to buy those snacks.” Those were pretty much my memory of high school and middle school. I don’t think I ever enjoy and adore my high school life.
I never ever want to talk about my personal story. It will only become my Tumblr all over again. It’s tiring to meet someone, get to know them, share interests and deep secrets all over again. This might be the reason I’m still “alone”.
It gets to the point where I don’t even bother trying anymore.
Thus, why am I writing all these and posting it online then?
I don’t know, too. And, I’m sorry you have to waste your precious time reading this silly rant. It’s embarrassing. Honestly.
There are days when I am used to my own company and it really is peaceful. Sometimes, I am proud of my today self. I don’t need anyone to sit down at a cafe with me. I don’t need a person to accompany me to the mall. I go places all on my own. Alone. I don’t neccessarily feel lonely.
I keep telling myself that I need to be content with being all by myself, love myself and know my own worth as only until then the right person will come and I know how to love them. (It does not have to be romantically, but also platonically as well.) Until then, I must fix my own problems. This mental issue or health is extremly significant. Or maybe they can arrive anytime soon, but it is not their obligation to fix my problem. Just be there for me and with me. I can take care of my own issues.
Alright, I will not rant anymore.
Life is like this. Some days are better than the others. The good and the bad. The delighted moment. The depressing moment. The apparently sweet days. Who am I to say this when I am only 18 which is really young?! Long, long, way to go. It can only get worse than this if I am weak.
Point to take from this blog post?
It is only as lonely as you make it seem to be. If you ever feel lonely, I am here for you. Let’s all be “lonely” together.
Don’t worry if you think you are ugly and no one loves you, look at me. I am the eye-broccoli, not you.